txt; I’m not closing myself off to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
txt; Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
txt; You didn’t thow up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug.
txt; Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
txt; Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said “It’s game time”. He was into it.
txt; He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm and play Candy Crush at the same time?
txt; A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
txt; I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I’m not fucking.
txt; If I stopped drinking I’d have to take up murdering.
txt; To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
txt; Went up to some dude that hit on my friend, and told him he has a voice like my grandma. Apparently didn’t have muscles or kindness like my grandma, so can you pick me up at the ER please?
txt; Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
txt; Okay first of all, that is a sick-ass nickname, please call me that forever. Second, I need your help.
txt; Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face, then went home and ate a frozen pizza.
txt; We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare.
txt; He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later he tried to make out with me.
txt; I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I’m not getting laid.
txt; GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
txt; I lost my voice. So I”m going to pretend I’m Ariel with legs today.
txt; No, he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
txt; NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW.
txt; Holy shit, last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me.
txt; Is it too far to say to someone “You’re useless for everything besides sex”?
txt; How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like…How?
txt; Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
txt; Can you repeat that, but with context?
txt; How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I’m trying to watch Downtown Abbey.
txt; I agree with that homeless guy though. You do need a haircut.
txt; I just licked wine off my own thigh. I’ve hit a new low.
txt; Well, he was my lawyer, and now we get drunk and hook up.
txt; She forgot a bra, so she just used saran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
txt; Be happy for me…Or horny…Or be a really good friend, and feel what I really want you to feel. Jealousy.
txt; Going on FB and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying.
txt; If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
txt; Hey, can you explain why there’s a dissected coconut in my purse????
txt; Yeah, I’m just gonna keep fucking other guys ‘til this idiot figures out he loves me.
txt; P.S., he swallowed my earring last night, so yeah.
txt; Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I’m just a bitch and some people find it endearing.
txt; That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very, very terrified of you.
txt; I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
txt; Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they’ll die if they don’t send unsolicited dick pics
txt; I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder, and it actually hurts.
txt; You were more fun when you didn’t have morals.
txt; Tell me again why we had to facebook stalk your therapist?
txt; I just wanted a booty call and now somehow I’m at his parents’ playing dominoes. But they have tequila, so it’s cool.
txt; That’s actually very serious…I really do think of you whenever I see pizza.
txt; when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn’t expect them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
txt; Everclear isn’t food, damnit.
txt; Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn’t worth it.
txt; Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
txt; I should stop using “Braveheart would do it” as a basis for decision making…
txt; He’s my ex’s boss. I’m not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
txt; I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex, and kicked him out, and it’s only 1 p.m. Successful day so far.
txt; He is getting no nudes from me. I don’t even care if I’m losing his legal advice.
txt; I’m not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I’m in.
txt; Was I at least graceful when I fell down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
txt; My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything…and drinking…
txt; …Okay, fine. But I don’t want to be a better person tonight. I’ll be a better person tomorrow.
txt; Just once I’d like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
txt; I tried to help you up, but you said “let me dance it off”.
txt; Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I’m over here deep throating a bottle of whiskey.